Love marriages vs. arranged marriages

This post won a Rs 1,000 SnapDeal voucher in 'Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage' contest.

Unnamed artists moulded the most intricate and complex sculptures of the universe. God magically infused life into them and sent them down to the earth into pre decided houses. The life form had the least chance to choose its parents and the material of the jewellery it would be adorned with- mud, glass, silver, gold or platinum. The distinction between two entities given life by the same creator was reasoned out as the outcome of the actions of the previous life by some and the result of the fortune etched over our forehead with closed eyes by the others. After years of accepting everything that it was offered after elaborate discussions, it was finally instigated to decide between the two forms of life: choosing what it is offered and choosing what it needs. There arises the debate between love and arranged marriages.

The simpler past and the complicated present

Things were much simpler in those age old days. People knew what love between the husband and the wife meant but not what love between an unmarried girl and a boy meant. There was little time to explore those unearthed secrets. Even before thoughts of being married arose in the mind, young girls and boys were married at an age which is unacceptable today. Being in close company since childhood, a sense of belonging gradually developed between the two and the relationship lasted for long. Time started moving at unbelievable rates. Things changed, some for the better and some for the worst. People developed rational attitude and a sense of enquiry. Many young girls and boys set out to seek their life partners on their own. Some succeeded and some failed. In those rare cases of success, parents usually acted as a deterrent. There is a conflict between the right to choose one’s way of living and the responsibility to ensure hat children move in the right path.

Love marriages vs. arranged marriages

In the Indian context, parents are usually in support of arranged marriages while children go for either of the two, the choice being largely influenced by the environment in which the child was bought up. Equally strong reasons are put forward by each of the groups and equal are the charges levelled against the other. Concluding by declaring one of the two to be the winner would be a grievous mistake. Several if’s, then’s and else’s  crop up in the conclusion. Here we discuss some of the commonly debated points.

The implication of marriage

A marriage between two people is far more than a legal contract to live together for  mutual benefit. There isn’t a need for the holy mantras or the nuptial know. All that is required is a commitment between the two to live and support each other for the rest of their lives. However, a marriage performed in the traditional way definitely reinforces the necessity to live together for ever. It acts as a deterrent when in the future, in the evil mind of either of the duo, the thought of breaking apart arises. A ceremony performed in the presence of all family members, relatives, the reverberating mantras and idols of gods induces fear in the subconscious mind of being rejected by the community if the marriage paves way for a break up. On the other hand, love marriages are often rejected by parents and so the proceedings are performed in the government official’s chamber. Even if the parents accept it, they prefer that the marriage happen silently. There are no hands to bless and no holy words to create the ambience that would have otherwise existed. A marriage that is performed with just two signatures can definitely be declared void by replicating those two signatures a few days or a few months later.

The right match

Experience definitely counts, be it any matter. Parents have seen a much larger life and in the process have learnt valuable lessons, sometimes through success and sometimes through failure. They know what needs to be chosen from the hundreds and thousands of available options. They delve into the history of the family, generations back. They look into the character of the prospective bride or bridegroom. And the stars too are requested for their acceptance. Every detail is introspected. Results are filtered over again and again a thousand times and a gem results in the process. On the other hand, love arises usually at the first sight. It grows before realising that something was wrongly chosen and there is a better optional available. And so, the tragedy commences.

Love

The most essential thing in any relationship is love. Love marriage has in it the four lettered word but no assurances can be given of its existence after the eight letter word competes. An arranged marriage doesn’t possess love before those same eight letters compete.  It’s entry after the wedding to can’t be guaranteed. Both the candidates of debate seem to have an equal footing here.

Peace and comfort

Things are welcome when they offer pierce and comfort to the mind. A task completed in the midst of confusion, fear and anxiety might offer a sense of satisfaction the immediate moment but later, a question of its worthiness compared to the effort put in, arises in the mind. In an arranged marriage, the parents look after everything or hire people for the same. The bride and the bridegroom live in their dreams thinking about the happier life they would be living after the marriage. In those few hours before the marriage, castles are built which are strongly determined to be protected from collapsing. They wish to offer a happy retired life to their parents by nipping any problems in the bud, if at all they arise. Those few hours form a strong foundation for their married life. On the other hand, a love marriage witnesses fights and tensions; though not as high as those shown in movies, definitely enough to heave a sigh of relief at the end. There aren’t any dreams for the future. It’s considered more as the end of an ordeal than as the beginning of a new life. Compromises wouldn’t have place in the future, for too much has already been sacrificed on either side for the marriage to happen. There are no parents who should be made happy and so the marriage can be withdrawn from the records at any moment.

Support

Friends who stood by the side of the lovers find themselves too busy or occupied with their own lives when problems arise. There is none to look out for when a small fight leads to the verge of break up or when financial crises arise all of a sudden. Life appears hopeless. On the other hand, in an arranged marriage, there are parents who are just a call away. They resolve any conflicts between the wife and the husband. They cite examples from their own lives to show how compromise works out. Inspired, a new day of smiles begins. And there is also money that can be streamed in from either side when required.

Expectations

Many days, months and probably years have been spent in the company of the other lover. Surprises, gifts and every other worthy thing should have probably taken place. One knows what the other is capable of giving. There are a lot of expectations about the post married life. But these expectations and dreams gets shattered when one realizes that everything that was possible before marriage is no more possible now. There was a need of those surprises and gifts because the other was not one’s own. He/ she was just someone who might be a life partner if everything goes on well. But now, the two of them have been bonded by marriage. There is little possibility of going for a better choice. Some realise these facts and try to find happiness in the real self rather than craving for superficial things while some fail. On the other hand, in an arranged marriage, the couple know each other just by their appearance. What can be expected and what cannot be expected is difficult to gauge until the marriage takes place. They are prepared to adjust to any drawbacks in the other. Life moves on in the presence of little happiness and there is little possibility of complaints.

The discussion ends here but it is biased in favour of arranged marriages and falsely gives an illusion that arranged marriages are better than love marriages but that really isn’t the case. The relative weight of a factor in relation to another cannot be decided objectively. It varies from person to person and from situation to situation. Moreover, the discussion assumes an objection from the parents in the case of love marriages which isn’t always the case. The reality and truth is that a marriage is successful as long as the coupe are capable enough of being sensitive to the feelings of the other, keeping up to the expectations of the partner and compromising when a situation demands. The success relies on mutual cooperation and understanding. But the problem starts when one needs to love more than the other…….

This is an entry for the contest 'Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage!' on IndiBlogger. If you have liked this entry, do vote for it here. Also check out the facebook page of the serial 'Love Marriage ya Arranged Marraige' here.

Here are my other entries for this contest:

Of  Love and Marriage: The story of two women